I kind of want this to be true, and want this to not be true at the same time, on the one hand, RPing as superheroes is a bit chod, on the other hand, if you -were- going to choose a Superhero, then choosing a pretty rubbish one is the way to do it. No, I have not seen the recent Mormoa take on it, I just remember classic era Aquaman, who was utterly dire, in fact only supplanted in terms of how rubbish they are as a Superhero by some of the most almighty awful superheroes ever.I had to actually google these to remind myself that they were in fact real, and not the product of some gin-addled fever dream.
The Red Bee! He has a best mate called Michael. Who is a Bee. He can…summon Bees. He is probably Michael Caine’s nemesis in the utterly dire film ‘The Swarm’
‘Arm Fall off Boy’ No. For Real. His super power was that he could detach his left arm, leaving a strange orifice that Blizzard are afraid of and censor, yet weirdly had no arteries or bone structure in it. he could then …use his good arm, to hold his bad arm, and beat bad guys up with it… “My Power will Astound you! Observe, as I detach my Limb!” For real. A legit line of his, not something from one of the trippier David Lynch films. Clearly the idea of just buying a freaking baseball bat, had not crossed the mind of ‘Arm Fall off Boy’ That’s his actual name by the way, not a sarcastic one I have given him…
‘Skateman’. His super powers are…ermm, he went to Vietnam, and he rides on rollerskates. That’s it. Unsurprisingly he did not get a second comic run…
‘Razorback’ He’s basically a dude, who dresses like a Pig. He actually has no powers, he’s not a millionaire like Bruce Wayne/Batman, and he wasn’t bitten by a radioactive relative of ‘Babe’. He’s just a dude. Who dresses like a pig.
‘Color Kid’ (Yes, the American spelling pains my eyes, but that was his name) Was an emaciated Alien fella, from an alien planet, Labra or something, Who as if that wasn’t weird enough, was then hit by a rainbow which originated from a -different- and unspecified planet, before arriving on Earth. This gave him the power to…change the colour of any item. Not people, so allowing for some deepseated racial introspective moments and correcting the views of racists by making them see how it feels, but just things like chairs, telephones, toasters. If you have a red telephone, and your life is in danger unless your telephone is green, then Color Kid is your Go-to Guy. Or was. because his story wasn’t rubbish enough, and he got attacked by ‘Infectious Lass’ (I wish I was making this up) who hit him with a Gender swap superpower, so that he, then she became ‘Color Queen’! Just like Color kid, but with chesticles and indoor plumbing.
‘Squirrel Girl’ She’s basically a woman, with a Squirrel’s Tail. That’s it. Somehow, she defeated Doctor Doom. I mean this is a horrible transdimensional cyborg who is so evidentally malevolent that his parents compounded the unfortunate surname of ‘Von Doom’ by calling him ‘Victor’ and not Steve, or Johnny, He can kick the tar out of the Fantastic Four, who have a woman who can turn invisible, a man who can dislocate and extend his flesh and organs in any way he wants (Admittedly that sounds like some sort of horrible elephantiasis/Ebola mash up) a Guy who is a walking barricade, who even his own friends call ‘The Thing’ and a dude who can turn into fire. Into Godsdamned Fire. Dr Doom can kick seven bells out of those guys, but a woman with a squirrels tail? Nope, he’s met his match. What the actual…
‘Krypto’ the superdog.
He’s a Dog, from the planet Krypton, they called him Krypto. This is like calling your pet pooch “Earth!” But he’s a Superdog, with all the powers that Superman has, just…he’s a white dog. Why yes, as you ask, He -can- fly. Does he wear a red cape? That would be ridiculous, what kind of fool would assume that he…alright, yes, he does in fact wear a red cape.
‘Leatherboy’. Now instantly your mind is going down mucky pathways and thinking of a certain type of proclivity with a four letter acronym beginning with B, and ending with M.
And you’d be right. He even wears a ballgag, whilst fighting crime, bottomless chaps and some rather interesting fashion choices. In fairness, he is called ‘Leatherboy’ and that is what you get, with him. Did I mention he actually has no superpower, he wasn’t bitten by a radioactive fetish club, or came from sweet Transylvania, No, his super power is his Kink. Presumably this allows him to confront those who Kink Shame and say it is not OK. Presumably his Kryptonite (Kinktonite?) is “What if Kink-Shaming -is- their Kink?”
‘Door Man’
He’s not a bouncer. He can teleport people against their will. But only next door. I just…I …I’ve got nothing.
So frankly, you want to be Superman? There are a hecktonne of sillier things you could be…Some of them even got published…