MAN
Eric Idle
WIFE
Graham Chapman
WAITRESS
Terry Jones
The sketch:
Scene: A cafe. One table is occupied by a group of Vikings with horned helmets on. A man and his wife enter.
Man: You sit here, dear.
Wife: All right.
Man: (to Waitress) Morning!
Waitress: Morning!
Man: Well, whatāve you got?
Waitress: Well, thereās egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam;
Vikings: (starting to chant) Spam spam spam spamā¦
Waitress: ā¦spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spamā¦
Vikings: (singing) Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!
Waitress: ā¦or Lobster Thermidor au Crevettes with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.
Wife: Have you got anything without spam?
Waitress: Well, thereās spam egg sausage and spam, thatās not got much spam in it.
Wife: I donāt want ANY spam!
Man: Why canāt she have egg bacon spam and sausage?
Wife: THATāS got spam in it!
Man: Hasnāt got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam (crescendo through next few lines)
Wife: Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?
Waitress: Urgghh!
Wife: What do you mean āUrgghhā? I donāt like spam!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You canāt have egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam.
Wife: (shrieks) I donāt like spam!
Man: Sshh, dear, donāt cause a fuss. Iāll have your spam. I love it. Iām having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam spam spam and spam!
Vikings: (singing) Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.
Man: Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?
Waitress: You mean spam spam spam spam spam spamā¦ (but it is too late and the Vikings drown her words)
Vikings: (singing elaborately) Spam, spam, spam, spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spaaam! Lovely spam! Wonderful spam. Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! Lovely spam! (Lovely spam!) Lovely spam! (Lovely spam!) Lovely spaaam! Spam, spam, spam, spaaaaam!
