Stormwind Times
Your local weekly newspaper, bringing you the latest and greatest from our nation’s capital.
Pebble Causes an Avalanche
Friday evening saw reports of a missing orphan out of Stormwind’s Orphanage. The eight-year-old, commonly known as Pebble, was seen heading through a portal with the known Blood Witch, Ire Mirgov. Spotted by Sir Escott the Bald, the knight reported the incident to city guards, who were left baffled as to her location. All that was left from the child was a small teddy bear and a box of pebbles.
Stormwind Orphanage’s matron was very distressed to hear that one of her children had been taken but did report that ‘Pebble’ was a bothersome child who struggled to get along with other children and she “wasn’t surprised” to see she was in trouble. She noted that the child had been staying in the Cathedral, due to the overcrowding (that the ‘Times’ reported on last week) in the Orphanage.
The Guard managed to trace the child, with use of magic, and located her out of the City of Stormwind, near the ruins of the City of Gilneas. Albeit out of Stormwind City jurisdiction, the Guard and members of the Silver Hand moved out on Saturday to rescue ‘Pebble’. The ‘Times’ is delighted to report that the child has been returned to the city safely. Questions are, however, being raised amongst politicians as to why this quest was given the go ahead, with funding already tight. Local politician Jacob Curtes asked if guard funds are being wasted by current Commander Nakama Atlan.
Sack the Ripper
Another body was discovered late last night in the Stormwind Harbour. The young woman was found on the top tier of the harbour district by guards, after she was reported missing by friends. Amie Ogden was known for being a lady of the night and worked regularly in the harbour. She was last seen on Saturday evening, but the body was not discovered until late on Tuesday.
The case is being treated as suspicious, due to the similarities of this case and a previous murder, reported back in issue 11 of the Stormwind Times™. Both cases were reported found with a burlap sack over there head and a strange blue substance around the face. Guard officials are yet to make a comment, but it is believed they are on the lookout for a murderer that links the two cases.
Latest Titbits
A potentially dangerous hostage situation was quickly coshed after it was discovered to be just a guard training exercise. Passers by reported hostile members of the Silver Hand claiming to want a large payment of cookies. If they received this, they would release the hostage. Whilst no crime had been committed, it was noted that Knight-Commander Trueguards attempts at sounding like a criminal were criminal in themselves!
Last week saw the city host ‘Volunteer Guard Day’ where individuals are all welcome to turn up to the guard headquarters and volunteer there aid for the day. Although primarily aimed at children, all are welcome to attend. The guard reported a large number had ‘reported for duty’ with three joining evening patrols. One was even thought to have turned up for recruitment and subsequently hired into the guard, proving that the volunteer day is definitely worthwhile.
The Stormwind Times™ is delighted to welcome Madame For’tuna’s as guest reporter this week. She has a wealth of experience in star gazing and is Azeroth’s finest Astrologer.
Madame Fort’una’s predictions and advice for masses.
Zis veek’s class: Rogues.
Zere’s travel in your future when your tongue freezes to back of speeding gyrocopter. Fill zat void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-Gnoll seventeen hours day! Or void-order bride from Telogrus. Pay extra for looks, you don’t vant ugly bride.
(No refunds, exchanges, or svapped predictions. You don’t like it, sue universe, not Madame Fort’una.)
A picture of Madame Fort’una looking mystical
If you want your fortune told, mail Madame Fort’una ((In game mail to Shael-DarkmoonFaire)) to arrange a consultation.
Dear Kat and Nammy
Our newest column! Dear Kat and Nammy. If you have troubles or woes, please mail them to Kat and Nammy, at the Stormwind Times headquarters. ((In game mail to Kamrynn-DarkmoonFaire))
Dear Kat and Nammy,
There’s a girl where I work in the harbour and she doesn’t even notice me. I have tried to talk to her as I really want to get to know her but when I get close I break out in sweats and I can’t find my words.
How can I get to know her when I can’t function near her?
Signed,
The Sweaty Silent Type
Dear Sweaty,
You could try writing her a poem or leaving her a present. That way she must notice you and you won’t even have to speak to her. If she likes the present, then she will come and talk to you which will mean you don’t have time to get all worked up and end up looking like someone has dunked you in a lake.
- Kat
Are ye sure yer not under an invisibility spell? Ye might want to start there. Have a mage check you out.
Have ye tried perfume? Anti-perspirant? Would at least hide the smell.
After ye’ve investigated both of those above, might I suggest a lovely little book called “So I turn into a bog beast around my crush?” it has some great insights into using words instead of grunts. Gets you further in the long run. If all else fails, whiskey always does the trick for me.
- Nammy
Dear Kat and Nammy,
I think my husband is having an affair. He was always flirting with the baker girl but now he comes home smelling like bread and covered in flour.
What should I do?
From,
Marjorie
Dear Marjorie,
Hire a private investigator and have him followed. If he is indeed getting his dough kneaded by someone else, divorce him!
- Kat
Have ye asked him? Maybe he’s taken up a new hobby. If he denies it, ye can always go straight to the source and follow him. If he’s sleeping with the baker girl, ye’ve got two options: divorce him or consider adding a third to yer baking mix. Least ye can do is get a discount on baked goods.
- Nammy
The Stormwind Times is edited and published in Stormwind City, Dwarven District, by Sprizzle McPhrizzle, GJS.
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