(In an Alan Bennett stylee)
"Oh, trees, they’re always doing that, burning down for no reason, it’s ever so frustrating, I remember there was this glorious tree, oak I think it was, definitely one of the bigger ones, quite fancy it looked, something of a local celebrity, because apparently once a Prince of the realm had been caught short on the A41 and pulled over to a layby and widdled on it, well, I mean, I was shocked, you don’t expect to see princes widdling, you just think they have other arrangements, don’t you…But oh no, there he was, having an al fresco widdle.
Nobody batted an eyelid, I should have, I should have went outside and had a stiffly worded conversation, but then I thought ‘He’s got an armed security detail, it would all just end up as a lot of fuss’ so I didn’t.
Well next thing you know, this tree, going back to the tree, this tree had become a bit of a shrine it had, ladies, well presumably ladies, some could have been gentlemen of alternate leanings, were hanging knickers from it, it started off looking a bit garish, but after a while, it looked right pretty it did, became quite the tourist attraction, oh yes, people would come from a few hundred feet around just to look at it, well I mean you would, wouldn’t you? Not every day you see a tree wearing so many pairs of knickers, especially an Oak tree, they’re very stately and refined normally, you’d understand if it was an ash or a birch tree… It were all a bit of a scandal…
Then I do remember, this one day The Tree burned down, Nobody quite knows why, but I do remember after coming back from the local corner shop, it was a Tuesday as it happens, so I’d bought some Baked beans for tea and the TV- Times, there was this odd looking woman, She was carrying a flamethrower, and on the tanks on her back were written “Death to the Monarchy” I think she might have been one of these Anarchists you read so much about.
Well, you don’t want to ask do you, when someone is carrying a flamethrower, but she came up to me, bold as brass and said “Where’s the Prince’s Widdle Tree” and I thought “Oh, well, I’ve completely misjudged you, you’re clearly just a tourist carrying a flamethrower” so I told her where it was. and thought nothing of it.
I mean you wouldn’t would you?
Next thing I know, there’s Fire engines going up the street, and the tree is on fire, now, I’m not saying it was her, but she did look a bit odd and tree-burny, quite grey skin she had, very red eyes, I think she’d had too many gins, but these days, who doesn’t need a gin or two.
But yes, whole tree, right up in smoke it was…I’m not saying it was the flamethrower, but…
Well, you know…