That’s what my solution offers: options for differences.
I think the issue arises is because some people articulate their posts in a way that comes across as they want the velf to have access to exactly what belf have, or where they pitch a difference, they pitch something the belf community has been asking for for themselves and so they’re not exactly happy about having that option being used as an exclusive feature for helf given they’ve asked for it prior (facial tattoos are a good example of this).
In my mind the only way to make it stop is to give “some” of what belf have to velf, but not all. So you let them have some of the pale skins (but not the reddier ones) you let them have some of the natural colours (ie a brown, a black, a blonde) but not all of them (red tones and other shades of blonde reserved for belf) and you let them share some haircuts (but you have the different ones for helf taken from human styles, the belf get some unique elven styles).
Ultimately there is going to be no way to make both camps happy, but this is in my eyes the only way the debate will realistically end. A core principle people seem prepared to argue until they’re blue over is blonde hair, so long as you give helf players an option to be blonde, this is satisfied. The ire only starts when they start asking for every single blonde tone belf players have, and their hairstyles, and this, and that. The reason it stinks is because velf will always have those void options as well that belf cannot have, so it becomes a case of “we have everything you have, but more!” which i hope I don’t have to point out creates sour grapes in the core race playerbase when the “allied race” they are drawn from have every option they have and more still! And on the opposite faction no less! Yes, the lore may allow it from a technical point of view, but if factions are to be maintained as “different” in some respect, you have to take a pragmatic line somewhere and go “look, this is enough to capture the fantasy of that race in a way you’ve been asking for, but we need to keep some things different” but doing so in a way that doesn’t fly completely in the face of that lore- it has a reasonable root within it (ie the human haircuts)
Yes, there would be “no good reason” for the helf not to get “every tone of blonde” or “every elven hairstyle” but a line has to be drawn somewhere for pragmatic purposes. So long as the high fantasy can be played legitimatley, does it really matter if the guys on the other faction have 3 hairstyles you don’t have? You have your blonde, blue eyed alliance elf.
People who argue beyond that point it becomes clear it’s less about wanting to play a high elf for it’s own sake and enjoyment, and seems to be about wanting their requests serviced above all other considerations and that isn’t healthy whomever is doing it.